"SEEDS FOR SOUL"

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One Story

How it happened...

I have written this one story to inspire those who feel they cannot rise above their difficulties and for encouragement to follow your intuition. Believe in yourself, watch for the signs and follow your dreams, regardless of the set backs or those who would discredit you.

This is but one of the many challenges I have had to overcome and lessons to learn during my life journey. There have been many unexplainable occurrences. Although this one particular situation seemed overwhelming at the time, it was really a blessing in disguise. The final straw as the old saying goes. I liken it to a "dark night of the soul." I was caught up in the work-work lifestyle and always searching for something. My life was out of balance. It seems that the powers of the Universe know just when to slow you down and then help pick you back up again.

Once again, in 1994 when I felt everything in my life was finally getting back on track again, I was physically injured while working as a nurse. It is progressive and disabling. Also the state facility I was employed at was closing after one-hundred-twenty five years of operation. A secure ? world I knew at that time was turned upside down. I was able to move into another state facility then, as I had senority. This was in 1995. I had continued to work with the increasing pain. I tried to keep going and to keep the stress within me from showing. The challenge became more than I could handle. I asked to be put in a less physically demanding position.

My career as a clinical nurse came to a sudden halt when I was approached by the unit charge and told rather sarcastically to "go on home, you can't do the job". With those few words how quickly my life changed. No matter who I asked, it seemed no one could to do anything about giving me a chance in another department. I was angry at first and retorted with, what about all my years of experience? I have a brain to use, not just my back. Nothing mattered. That day I went out to the parking lot, sat in my car and was in a daze. I cried and cried until I couldn't anymore. This wasn't just a job, it was a profession I worked long and hard to achieve. It was a dream since childhood. The shock, being alone, how to pay everything, and knowing I'd never work in the clinical area again. I loved working with the patients. This was just another time I felt completely alone and at a loss.

I had many medical treatments and during this time I tried to get help for more education. I thought I might get a less physically demanding position. I had three years of nursing college. I was unable to get financed. There seemed to be more discouragement than not from those I asked. It was like being caught between a rock and a hard place. I was a poor risk. "Would I be able to work long enough to make the expenditure for college courses cost effective?" Now I ask you, how could anyone guarantee that? Even so, I actually called fifty hospitals from the east to the west coast. Of course no one could promise anything which I certainly understood. All of this sent me down a road I will never forget. The spiral started downward. Two other personal crises happened as well, at this same time, one being the loss of my mother. Emotional pain, physical pain and stress increased. All around me felt empty. Money was dwindling, medical insurance running out and bills piling up. 

Prior to all of this I had signed an apartment lease and was trying to sell my house. No income, a lease and a home that didn't sell. I kept searching for work. Many calls and rejections later I knew that I wasn't going to get hired. No one at that time wanted someone on the payroll with the problems I had. I did manage to get help for one college course, but couldn't take on any loans for more courses. Studying was difficult as I had to have eye surgery on both eyes and lense implants put in. Sometimes the road seems all up hill.

My stubborn pride kept me from admitting how bad things were getting. I didn't feel like I could ask for help from anyone, especially money, as everyone has their own life to maintain. I felt like there was no where to turn. It was then that I lost the desire to get more nursing education. I was losing my fight for survival. Through my life I always tried to hide my real feelings and keep functioning. I couldn't face any more rejection and was losing my spirit. I began overeating on cheap junk food and gained too many pounds. I felt horrible, as I was always health conscious. 

I made a cassette recording of my thoughts. I didn't want to go on. I was numb and functioning daily on auto-pilot. I was in physical pain and I felt completely alone. I believe when we hit our lowest point that we start getting the answers. Some unusual experiences began to happen...or were they unusual? I realize now that I was being directed to change my focus from traditional medicine to a spiritual path in the healing arts. That one door did close and the new one opened. A chain of events began...

Things started happening that skeptics would think were weird, nonsense or better yet... psychological. (it seems easier to label anything unusual) I believe that everything isn't as cut and dry as we like it to be. Too many events in my life have happened through the years that were unexplainable. Well, at night I started to have the feeling that someone was standing beside my bed. It was not on the physical plane as we know it. Who, I do not know, only that it was as real as the sun rises every day! There would be touches on my arm or leg that would startle me awake. It was like someone placed a hand on me, and I did live alone. After several nights of these happenings I began to pay attention more. Was I being given a message? I started out the door one day and a feather lay between the locked screen door and apartment door. There were no birds around the back of that apartment area with feathers that large. They certainly wouldn't have come up onto that back porch, under the roof. The screen door was always kept closed. Needless to say, it was a very uncanny moment and I really thought I was going bonkers then! Whether it was the wind or some unseen force that delivered it there, certainly it was a good omen.

Signs are all around us if we pay attention. I still wonder about that event, but however it happened I am glad it did. Sometimes the Universal messages are very subtle. If I wasn't a believer before that, I certainly was after that. I pondered on that incident for days. 

Still feeling on a downward spiral, one day I felt a compelling urge to open the yellow pages. Thinking to myself, whatever this means go for it. Closing my eyes I let the book drop open and put my finger onto the page. There was the name of a person who would make such a difference in my lonely, distressed existence. I called the number. A slow climb up from a darkness began. I had much work ahead, but I would do whatever it took to feel again. A listener, supportive and all around great person she became my best friend and still is to this day.

Then the apartment building was being forclosed on. I was able to let the lease go and move back into my house. Most of what I had went into storage as I was going back to where so much abuse and threats had been. I lived in fear of losing to a vindictive person the belongings that I did have left. 

After a couple of years struggles continued, such as an automobile accident, the roof leaking, the cellar flooding, thus ruining the furnace and vandalism. The events just seemed to keep happening. I had little money for groceries or anything else by trying to keep up with bills and credit card payments. I nearly lost my house to taxes. My disability was a limited amount. I have since learned that by doing what I thought was right by calling and asking for less interest on the payments etc., that credit card companies do not care in any way about working to help a situation when you are down! I had cancelled them when I lost work, so the interests went very high. 

I fought with all the courage I had just to keep going. Finally I reached my limit and with all the money I could gather up, took a trip to see my son. It was  hard to travel with the pain I had. Taking a train, which was not the easiest way to travel then... experience teaches. While at my sons little house I found another feather. I knew and felt that it meant something. On that day, he and his wife took me to a bookstore as I am an avid reader. I seemed to walk directly to a little book that stood out amongst all the numerous books on the shelves. It was on Native American spirituality. I could not figure out why, as I knew nothing about the Native Americans at that time. Just glancing at it quickly I decided to get it. Thinking at that moment to follow what was being presented. I tucked the feather I had found inside the cover. I packed the book away in my suitcase didn't think about it until much later and back home. After a short stay with the family, I decided not to take the train back. I rented a car with the money refunded from the ticket. It would be easier, as I could stop as often as I needed. 

Heading homeward I decided to drive through Arizona. So much for that plan... When I approached the route to go there the steering wheel just didn't want to turn. It was like it was stuck. I kept driving across the route I was on. I could not figure that one out? Sounds strange, but that is how it was. Along the way I rested and cleaned up at roadside rest areas due to lack of money. I certainly didn't eat in any restaurants, just the sandwiches I made in the car. I kept feeling an intense pull on me somehow and ended up in Mobridge, South Dakota. I had never heard of that place. To this day I still wonder how I came to drive up there. I decided to get an inexpensive motel room for the night because I felt so strongly that I was supposed to be there.

In the morning the pulling sensation started again. It was like someone tugging at my clothes. After asking a storekeeper in town if there was anything to see in this area that was free, I was directed to a place further down in the state. After looking in a brochure I decided to check out the lake and a couple of monuments there instead. I drove for some time and ended up on a hill in the middle of nowhere. I felt the pull on me even stronger. I started crying for no reason and felt my breath being taken away. I kept hearing cries of people, but there was no one there. I was driving on a reservation and knew absolutely nothing about the place. I was on a strange hillside alone, in what seemed like another time and world, asking myself, what am I doing here? 

I then saw the back of a monument and pulled in to take a look. In a daze, I didn't pay attention to much of anything except the beautiful lake and still wondering about the pull on me. When I walked around and saw the sculpted face on the monument I stood there frozen and awe struck! I nearly fainted. It was a face I had seen before in dreams. I had a pencil sketched likeness of it that I had made sometime ago. I keep a dream journal and sketches. Needless to say I was overwhelmed. At that same moment a hawk and crow flew down to me, both peered directly into my eyes and flew over me. They seemed almost close enough to touch! If that isn't an unusual message, I don't know what is. The pulling sensation was no longer there. I felt overwhelmed but knew in my heart that the days ahead for me would be special. It was a very enlightening experience for me. I knew my own spirit would come back stronger than ever. That monument was of a great Native American Chief. A healer, warrior and man of great courage who stood up for his beliefs. An inspiration to surpass all. I honor his spirit and guidance daily though my thoughts, words and heart. May the hawk and crow continue to fly. This was June of the year 2000.  copyright ©2000 ARC

After returning home, some days held hard challenges, but I just kept slowly moving forward. I also found a few very special friends that I would not have known if all of this had not happened to me. Up until this time I had no connections due to working so many hours and being involved in an abusive, controlling relationship. Life had been very out of balance for a long time.

One day I finally opened that little book I had gotten and I again was startled when I found the face of that great chief. (the little feather is still in the book to this day) I was sure it was another message. A spiritual path to help others? Was I to continue in the healing arts? How I wondered, I was broke financially now so how could I do anything? What did I have to offer? I was still healing my own broken spirit. Well, I thought, maybe I could give love or encouragement or maybe wisdom from my years and experiences. It doesn't cost to encourage or offer help to someone. Then for quite a while I didn't give it much thought.

Dreams started happening with Native Americans looking at me and a single feather stood out on the one in particular. Night after night, the feather. Then one night I sat straight up in bed with my hand held out. There were four seeds in it. (in the dream) The next morning I kept wondering about that. All of a sudden it came to as clear as can be, to help someone regain their power and spirit give them the seeds. My "SeedsforSoul" which are wisdom, kindness, compassion and love. There were many other details to this story but I cannot cover them all here. This is about a spiritual journey and awakening. 

It was then that I found that little cassette I had recorded the few years back. When I listened to it I didn't even recognize myself. I was so lost, broken and ready to give up on life. It was the loss of my finances, career and living with a disability that was the one final event that was taking me down after so many years of stress. I don't remember much about four years of my existence as I must have been walking around like a robot, automatically doing what had to be done. It was a time of soul-loss. I just know that the resilience of my spirit, an understanding person who accepted me unconditionally and the unseen helpers of the Universe guided me through. It took courage, determination, strength and the attitude of never giving up . Whether anyone believes this story, it doesn't really matter. That was how it happened.

One fact for certain, the money I was making and the amount I live on now can't compare. Often I ask myself, was I really living or just busy making money? I was humbled but put on the right path. The one I was destined to follow all along, more balanced and at peace with myself. All experiences lead us to our true destiny. I am thankful for the guidance from the Powers that be and the spirit of that great Chief.

One morning I went to a local fast food place and was going to relax over a cup of coffee. I thought a lot about the past several years events and how far I had come. There was such an awareness of all the surroundings and even myself. It was that morning in a vision out of the blue, how I should set up the design and logo picture that is on the homepage. It is simple but very important to me. On a paper table napkin I made a pencil sketch of what was in my mind of how to set up calling cards with the colors and meanings. At that time I was living in a small rural community and was told by the local printing shop that the design would be very difficult, expensive and maybe impossible to put on a card. Can't just does not fit in my vocabulary. I was not about to let anyone tell me that it was impossible after the mountains I had already overcome! The search began. Finally, and through another very unusual experience I found someone with computer expertise and patience, who used my sketched design to print my calling cards. Since then the logo has been put on here. I might add that at that time I had no computer and my limited computer skills were only what I had used at work for nursing.

Moving forward takes courage and work. If one really wants a dream or goal to manifest there will be a way! Mine of course, has always been to be a healer. Isn't it interesting that numerically my full given birth name means healer... There are no coincidences.
 

Nomen est Omen - "the name is thy destiny"                      
                                ~Pythagoras

I continue to honor the spirit of that great Native American I found, (or who found me) on top of that hill years ago. It was one of the events in a lifetime that was meant to be, regardless of how uncanny it may seem. Following the signs that are "different" or the signs of Nature, may lead to great experiences.

                                                      
   
Thank you, to anyone who has taken the time to read this story.
 
                                       


 A life to be continued...